Archive | April, 2008

>Yep, He Just Said That…

30 Apr

>So tonight, since Sam is out of town and since I’ve been a busy little bee cooking things for Sara’s baby shower on The Daily Bite this week, I have way more food than I know what to do with AND I’m craving adult interaction. So I took a plate of cream puffs over to a family that we’ve become friends with and we ended up staying there way longer than we meant to. But we had a great time.

Anyway, the missionaries came over for part of the time that we were there (it does seem that many of my most embarassing moments seem to involve the missionaries…someday I’ll tell the ultimate embarassing moment of my lifetime). Clark was wrestling on the floor with this family’s teenage daughter when he yelled, “You don’t have a peepee, you have a BUM!” And then everyone laughed, so, naturally, he did it again.

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>Utah Barbies

30 Apr

>

Okay, in my post yesterday regarding my hatred of forwards. I used this as an example of a forward that was truly appreciated. I can’t take any credit for it and I have no idea who had this many Barbies or time to work with Photoshop, but whoever you are, thanks for the giggle! Oh, and please take this in the lighthearted tone with which I’m sure it was created; we all need to lighten up a little every once in awhile.

Mattell recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Salt Lake City market:

Park City Barbie

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Draper Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or post-secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Kearns Barbie
This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

East Bench Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

West Valley Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Emigration Canyon Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly-built highrise condo.

Magna Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Rose Park. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

The Avenues Barbie

This doll is 100% organic. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Rose Park Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Provo Barbie

She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings.
On the Town Barbie


This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding/subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

>Stop! Just STOP!

29 Apr

>

So I didn’t even realize it’s been a week since I posted last! We’ve all been super sick (well, except for Clark…let me tell you how fun it is to have a 3-year-old ruling the roost when everyone else is out of comission!). Everyone’s gotten better except for me (of course), so I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, completely convinced he’s going to inform me of some horrible diagnosis like pneumonia, coinciding perfectly with Sam’s week-long trip to Tennessee.

Anyway, I have to get something off my chest. And I don’t think it will offend anyone who reads my blog because I know the offenders don’t read my blog.

Remember the episode of The Office with email surveillance? Remember how it started? The email forwards? And how Michael is clueless about how much everyone hates email forwards? Yeah. I’m coming out to the world: maybe I’m cynical and bitter, but I do not like the vast majority of email forwards. If they’re informative, yes. Truly funny (like the Utah Barbies complete with pictures that I got from Jae)? Totally. But take a gander at what came into my inbox from a friend of an aquaintance today:

Supposedly, if I email this to seven people, someone will call me tomorrow at 10:17 am and give me the answer to something I’ve been wondering about. My only question is whether that’s Central or Mountain time…

>Clarkisms

21 Apr

>So we’re all sick and thus have not been posting much on the blog, but I have some Clarkisms for y’all.

–“Where’d the calepittar go?”

–He says “gotfor” instead of forgot.

–We bought him a map placemat so we can show him where Utah is, where his grandparents live, where his cousins live, etc. And he’s started picking up on some of the states; he knows most of the Southern states, Alaska, Hawaii, Utah, and Washington. According to him, Georgia is my favorite and Texas is his favorite, but he hates Alaska, Arkansas, and Canada. Seriously. You can ask him. Just say, “What states do you hate?” and he says, “I hate Alaska and Arkansas and Canada.” Not that Canada’s a state.

–He just informed me that he doesn’t want poop crackers for dinner. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

>Time Out

18 Apr

>Clark’s been spending a little time on the time out mat lately. Terrible twos? No sweat. But three? Holy heck. I need a Valium.

Anyway, he got out of bed the other day and brought his “pets” with him (Ducky, Quack, and Super Monkey). He then proceeded to put them onto the time out mat.


“Now you need to go to time out for three minutes. Do not get off the mat!” Then a few minutes later: “You were in time out because you hit Clarkie. You need to be a nice duck, do you undertsand me?” Yeah, my kid’s acting out his punishments with his toys. It makes me feel awesome.

>Not the Sharpest Knives in the Drawer…

15 Apr

>Meredith is getting her molars (yes, I have mutant children who have a mouthful of teeth by the time they’re one) and has just been charming. Charming. Toss in a little newly-minted separation anxiety and it makes for one very frazzled, sleep-deprived momma.

So last night after she went to bed (but not for long), I declared we needed a treat. I wanted an orange cream slush from Sonic. Now…the last few times I’ve been to Sonic, they’ve messed up our order, usually in respect to the size of the things we order (mine comes too big, Sam’s comes too small). I decided the easiest way to remedy this would be to order by the actual cup size rather than confusing the poor Sonic employee with tricky terms like “small” or “regular.” Big mistake. This was the conversation that followed between myself and the Slow Sonic Employee (SSE), occuring through the ordering microphone.

Kate: Hi, I’d like a 14-oz. orange cream slush and a 20-oz. blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: What size do you want?

Kate: A 14-oz. orange cream slush and a 20-oz. blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: Is that, like, small or medium or regular?

Kate: I guess that would be a regular and a large.

SSE: A regular and a large what?

Kate: A regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: So you want a regular orange slush and what else?

Kate: That’s a regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: So you want a regular orange slush, a regular orange cream slush, and a large blue coconut cream slush?

Kate: No. I want one orange cream slush and one blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: What size?

Kate: Regular for the orange, large for the coconut.

SSE: Okay, so you want a large orange coconut slush and what else?

Let it be known that at this point, I’m trying so hard not to laugh because I don’t want to make the poor Slow Sonic Employee feel bad, but really?? Anyway, the conversation continues…

Kate: Okay, let’s start over. I want a regular orange cream slush.

SSE: Anything else for you?

Kate: Yes, I’d also like a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: Anything else for you?

Kate: No, I think that’ll do it.

SSE: Okay, I have a regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut slush.

Kate: With cream.

SSE: With cream. Okay, I think I got it.

Let’s just say I waited with baited breath to see if my order was correct. Miraculously it was, but wow…maybe this dude needs a new career path.

>Stupid

14 Apr

>Okay, so I’m sure some of you wonder why my cooking blog is http://www.the-daily-bite.blogspot.com/ instead of http://www.thedailybite.blogspot.com/. The second would certainly make more sense. Do I glean pleasure from telling people to hyphenate a lot? Do I glean even more pleasure when someone doesn’t know what a hyphen is?

Sadly, no.

If you want to know why I can’t have the second one, click on it. Go ahead. It’s nothing bad; well, nothing more than a single blog entry from September dedicated to a cancelled B-grade vampire television series on the Lifetime network. I guess that is pretty bad. There should be a law in the Blogosphere that if you have a dumb blog that is never updated and is dedicated to a any show on Lifetime, someone else gets your domain name.

There. I’m done.

>"Could I Get a McMuffin with That?"

9 Apr

>So this morning, I was clipping Clark’s nails and he started rubbing my eyebrow and said, “Mom, I like your hashbrow.” Oh, and before I forget, he also calls a singular piece of clothing (like a shirt) “clo” instead of clothes. Like, “Mom, can you help me get my clo on?” It’s very cute.

>Two More Days! Two More Days!!

8 Apr

>Until what? Until The Office returns! Woo-hoo!!!! It’s been a long, looooooooong television dry spell.

So who else is excited??

>The Joy of Children

6 Apr

>Okay, I’ll be upfront with you. What I’m about to share is disgusting. Gross, gross, gross. If stories about poo gross you out, continue at your own risk. The ONLY reason I’m sharing this is to blackmail my sweet baby girl with it someday when she’s a bratty teenager.

Is that enough warning for you? Are you still reading? If you are, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So the kids were in the tub tonight and I was talking to my friend Rachael on the phone. They were just playing, having fun, whatever. Anyway, I noticed Meredith chewing on something, so I got closer. It was something dark. Not sure I could believe something so horrible, I looked even closer and sure enough, she had pooped in the tub and was, you guessed it, eating it. Yeah, I know, I’m mom of the year. Oh, and she just thought the whole thing was so funny. Clark, on the other hand, just about had a nervous breakdown.