Archive | November, 2009

>Today, the Day Before Thanksgiving

25 Nov

>Since tomorrow is a day of thanks, today has become a day rife with irritation. Here are the things/people that have bugged or are bothering me today:

–Children who want jack-o-lantern socks instead of “Happy Halloween!” socks.
–Cats who knock over every single glass of water that is poured in this house.
–Tutoring students who want to discuss the hotness of Derek Hough and her likelihood of marrying him rather than working on homework.

–The car battery dying in the Walmart parking lot

–The idiot guy helping me at Autozone. I was quite certain there for a few minutes that he was going to set my car engine on fire.

–Idiot Autozone guy’s boss for making Idiot Guy look like a bigger idiot.

–Girl smoking outside my car window while Idiot Guy replaces my battery and talking to me while I’m CLEARLY involved in a very serious game of Super Mario Brothers 3 (on the Gameboy that somehow made it into my purse).

–Everyone at Walmart. The employees blocking the aisles. Stupid people blocking the aisles. Pre-pubescents out of school, running up and down the aisles.

–Whoever laid out the new Sam’s Club food court. As it currently stands, you have to fill up your drink, but can’t get a lid for it until you pass the place where you pretty up your hot dog, but there’s barely enough space between the drink place/hot dog place/drink lid place abd the tables to park your cart. I’m not doing a very good job of explaining this, so here is an illustration:

–People who check out ALL of their Thanksgiving groceries at the self checkout.

–People who lurk in my blind spot while I’m backing out and then start walking when I start to back out and THEN glare at ME when I have to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting them.

–Coming home to find a cherry picker in my driveway while they cut someone else’s tree branches.

–Telemarketers. I had the following conversation with the same employee from the Louisiana Department of Health from my most recent post this afternoon:

Surveyor: May I talk to the oldest male of the household?
Kate: He’s at work right now.
Surveyor: When will he be home?
Kate: Next week. He’s out of town on business.
Surveyor: During the week of Thanksgiving?
Kate: We don’t believe in Thanksgiving.
Surveyor: But doesn’t he get the time off work?
Kate: They don’t believe in Thanksgiving, either.
Surveyor: [Awkward pause]. When would be a better time to reach him?
Kate: I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.
Surveyor: But how can I ask him if I can’t reach him?
Kate: [Out of lies. Hangs up.]

The fact that the public school system has essentially failed American students in respect to proper use of the dash vs. the hyphen, they’re/there/their, and proper use of the apostrophe, which is linked to the failure of teaching students how to properly pluralize. Also, when people literally have a full keyboard at their fingertips, is it SO HARD to write “what” instead of “wut”????? [Punctuation snobbery over.]

Now that I’ve gotten ALL that off of my chest, I have to share that Meredith was convinced there was an “Indian Boy” standing outside her window when she woke up this morning. I don’t even know where she picked up the term “Indian Boy,” but she was convinced he was going to get her.

Also, Clark told us the cracks in the floor at Sam’s Club were “most important.”

Today, we got the car washed, which was necessary but highly emotionally traumatic for Meredith. Midway through the car wash, she started yelling out things that would make her happy: “Chicken nuggets! ‘I Am a Child of God!’ Target! Sleeping Doody! Fish balls! [sushi]”

ALSO. I had a dream that I was staying at an all-inclusive mountain resort where they were filming a segment on mountain climbing. I was supposed to participate in the mountain climbing, but I was scared so Alton Brown, who was hosting the show (naturally), strapped me onto his front side in a Baby Bjorn-like contraption and we climbed up the mountain together. The whole time, I was thinking that my friend Jen (who loves Alton) must be incredibly jealous. It was highly disturbing on my many levels.

All right, I think that’s it. Check in tomorrow and see if I’m feeling slightly more thankful then…

>Halloween and More!

10 Nov

>So I just had the following conversation with someone from the Louisiana Department of Health:

Interviewer: Do you currently live at the address that is served by this phone number?
Kate: Yes.
Interviewer: And are you male or female? [because I’m always being accused of having an androgynous-sounding voice]
Kate: Female.
Interviewer: And how many people over the age of 18 live at this address?
Kate: Two.
Interviewer: And how many of them are male?
Kate: One.
Interviewer: And how many of them are female?
Kate: Uh, one.
Okay, is it just me, or are there some math and/or deductive reasoning skills seriously missing here?

In other news, this month has been crazy. I’m not exactly sure where October went, but somehow, we just kind of went from September to November! After the hell that was Halloween, I decided to scale WAAAAAY back on the rest of the holidays, or at least as much as we can, because by the end, no one was having fun at all the “fun” stuff we were doing because I was NOT being nice! However, they looked pretty darn cute in their costumes:

Also, I recently bought a gallon of milk at Sam’s club that was expired by a week and a half. Then today, I came home with a loaf of bread from Walmart, thought it felt a little stale, started spreading peanut butter on it, noticed some mold, checked, the expiration date, and it expired on October 15. It is November 10! I mean, REALLY? I always say I’m going to quit Walmart, but I just can’t do it.
OH! And a few weeks ago, I was at Walmart and had this conversation with the lady in the fabric section:
Kate: I’d like 6 inches of this fabric.
Walmart Lady: [Not cutting, but looking at me accusingly] What do you need it for?
Kate: A Halloween costume.
Walmart Lady: [Still not cutting] What are you making?
Kate: Cat ears.
Walmart Lady: For who?
Kate: My daughter.
Walmart Lady: How old is she?
Kate: Two.
Walmart Lady: Is it just the ears, or is it for a tail, too?
Kate: Just the ears, although if I have time, I might make a tail, too. She’s going to be Hello Kitty.
Walmart Lady: Hellooooooo, Kitty! Me-OW!
So if that wasn’t weird enough, I was looking for a replacement needle for my sewing machine a few minutes later and heard her having this conversation with a boy who was about 12:
Boy: I need some string.
Walmart Lady: [Accusingly] Why?
Boy: I need it to tie something up?
Walmart Lady: What?
Boy: I dunno…just something..
Walmart Lady: [Still very accusingly, especially when discussing string with a pre-pubescent boy in a Catholic school uniform]: What are you going to tie up? A package? A hand? A CHICKEN??
I then had to leave so I could write down their conversation and post it on the blog before I forgot what they said…