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>I Love Tina Fey

16 Sep

>Seriously, I might become a lesbian for her. Kidding, Dad and Sam. But at the very least, I want to be her when I grow up! If you haven’t been watching 30 Rock, do it. Especially if you’re Arrested Development or thinking fans of The Office. If you watched it and didn’t like it, try it again–in particular, see if you can find the episode with Carrie Fisher from last fall or the season finale with Matthew Broderick. I’m not really a bust-a-gut-laughing-at-TV kind of girl, but seriously, I was sick when I watched the season finale and I literally couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard. I think I might have to undergo serious therapy if it were to be cancelled.

ANYWAY, the reason for the post? Check out this video (if you haven’t already):

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin


>Yep, He Just Said That…

30 Apr

>So tonight, since Sam is out of town and since I’ve been a busy little bee cooking things for Sara’s baby shower on The Daily Bite this week, I have way more food than I know what to do with AND I’m craving adult interaction. So I took a plate of cream puffs over to a family that we’ve become friends with and we ended up staying there way longer than we meant to. But we had a great time.

Anyway, the missionaries came over for part of the time that we were there (it does seem that many of my most embarassing moments seem to involve the missionaries…someday I’ll tell the ultimate embarassing moment of my lifetime). Clark was wrestling on the floor with this family’s teenage daughter when he yelled, “You don’t have a peepee, you have a BUM!” And then everyone laughed, so, naturally, he did it again.

>Utah Barbies

30 Apr


Okay, in my post yesterday regarding my hatred of forwards. I used this as an example of a forward that was truly appreciated. I can’t take any credit for it and I have no idea who had this many Barbies or time to work with Photoshop, but whoever you are, thanks for the giggle! Oh, and please take this in the lighthearted tone with which I’m sure it was created; we all need to lighten up a little every once in awhile.

Mattell recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Salt Lake City market:

Park City Barbie

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Draper Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or post-secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Kearns Barbie
This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

East Bench Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

West Valley Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Emigration Canyon Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly-built highrise condo.

Magna Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Rose Park. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

The Avenues Barbie

This doll is 100% organic. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Rose Park Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Provo Barbie

She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings.
On the Town Barbie

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding/subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

>Not the Sharpest Knives in the Drawer…

15 Apr

>Meredith is getting her molars (yes, I have mutant children who have a mouthful of teeth by the time they’re one) and has just been charming. Charming. Toss in a little newly-minted separation anxiety and it makes for one very frazzled, sleep-deprived momma.

So last night after she went to bed (but not for long), I declared we needed a treat. I wanted an orange cream slush from Sonic. Now…the last few times I’ve been to Sonic, they’ve messed up our order, usually in respect to the size of the things we order (mine comes too big, Sam’s comes too small). I decided the easiest way to remedy this would be to order by the actual cup size rather than confusing the poor Sonic employee with tricky terms like “small” or “regular.” Big mistake. This was the conversation that followed between myself and the Slow Sonic Employee (SSE), occuring through the ordering microphone.

Kate: Hi, I’d like a 14-oz. orange cream slush and a 20-oz. blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: What size do you want?

Kate: A 14-oz. orange cream slush and a 20-oz. blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: Is that, like, small or medium or regular?

Kate: I guess that would be a regular and a large.

SSE: A regular and a large what?

Kate: A regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: So you want a regular orange slush and what else?

Kate: That’s a regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: So you want a regular orange slush, a regular orange cream slush, and a large blue coconut cream slush?

Kate: No. I want one orange cream slush and one blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: What size?

Kate: Regular for the orange, large for the coconut.

SSE: Okay, so you want a large orange coconut slush and what else?

Let it be known that at this point, I’m trying so hard not to laugh because I don’t want to make the poor Slow Sonic Employee feel bad, but really?? Anyway, the conversation continues…

Kate: Okay, let’s start over. I want a regular orange cream slush.

SSE: Anything else for you?

Kate: Yes, I’d also like a large blue coconut cream slush.

SSE: Anything else for you?

Kate: No, I think that’ll do it.

SSE: Okay, I have a regular orange cream slush and a large blue coconut slush.

Kate: With cream.

SSE: With cream. Okay, I think I got it.

Let’s just say I waited with baited breath to see if my order was correct. Miraculously it was, but wow…maybe this dude needs a new career path.

>The Joy of Children

6 Apr

>Okay, I’ll be upfront with you. What I’m about to share is disgusting. Gross, gross, gross. If stories about poo gross you out, continue at your own risk. The ONLY reason I’m sharing this is to blackmail my sweet baby girl with it someday when she’s a bratty teenager.

Is that enough warning for you? Are you still reading? If you are, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So the kids were in the tub tonight and I was talking to my friend Rachael on the phone. They were just playing, having fun, whatever. Anyway, I noticed Meredith chewing on something, so I got closer. It was something dark. Not sure I could believe something so horrible, I looked even closer and sure enough, she had pooped in the tub and was, you guessed it, eating it. Yeah, I know, I’m mom of the year. Oh, and she just thought the whole thing was so funny. Clark, on the other hand, just about had a nervous breakdown.

>Heh Heh…

4 Apr

>So I went to the OB/GYN today.

No, I’m not pregnant. But I was having issues. And Clark asked if I was sick, so I told him, “No, I’m just having some issues.” So the nurse came in and asked what I was there for and Clark told her, “My mom’s having some tissues.”

So it was an interesting visit and the doctor was fine, but probably not someone I’d have a baby with. In either sense of the phrase. So, out of curiosity, I was looking up OB/GYNs that I can use with our health insurance and I found…drumroll please…Dr. Ward C. Hooter III. Dr. Hooter. Too bad he’s not a plastic surgeon! Yeah, I’m twelve.

>A Day in the Life…

27 Mar

>So yesterday, I went to Walmart for crusty rolls, milk, and bread. I came home with a wasp trap, some wasp spray, some face wash, and not a single thing I set out to buy. I did, however, also get a pack of gum. Because apparently, I can’t make a random trip to the store without buying a pack of gum.

Also, Clark got some little dinosaurs in his Easter basket and he was going through and asking which ones were nice and which ones were mean. I told him the meat-eaters were mean, but that the herbivorous ones were nice. Sam told him the meat-eaters weren’t mean, they were just doing what came naturally to them. Um, has he NOT seen Jurrasic Park?? Those raptors are man-hunters! Anyway, he went on to say that if Clark were a humanoid plant, he’d probably be scared of Brachiosaurus. Humanoid plant? Really?

And finally, I was helping Clark get dressed this morning and I was trying to get him to take his own pajama top off. He had his head about halfway of the neck hole and I said, “Good job, Clark, now just pull your head out!” So he let go of his pajama top, grabbed his head, and pulled.

I think Meredith just looks at us and wonder what she’s gotten herself into.

>I’m So Sorry, Sam…

28 Feb

>I told Sam I wouldn’t blog about this. But I can’t help myself. My fingers have literally been itching all day long.

So last night, we were watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. In last night’s episode, a man was unwittingly tricked into participating in a threesome with two women he met in a bar. When he awoke, he found himself next to the dead body of one of his lady friends along with a Polaroid photograph of the scene, the third member of their little ménage à trois missing, implying that she was intending to frame him with another copy of the photograph.

Anyhoo, as the scene was closing and the token Law and Order “dum dum!” sounded, Sam said, “And THAT’S why you don’t have a threesome with a stranger!” To which I replied, “Or at all.”

I love you! 🙂

>The Icing on the Cake

19 Feb

>So for those of you who have been following our adventures (or misadventures) for the last few months know that we’ve had some patience-trying moments. For example, in the last 5 weeks alone, Meredith has had a UTI, we’ve moved across the country, we missed our flight from Seattle to Louisiana, we’ve blown out a tire (and consequently bought 4 new tires), we almost had to pay sales tax for our van in both Utah AND Louisiana because the finance guy at our car dealership didn’t know what he was talking about, we spent over 12 hours in the car on what was supposed to be an 8 hour trip to go to Ikea only to discover that someone had put the wrong piece of furniture in one of the bins, so we have a double headboard to go along with our queen-sized bed (and the rest of the parts are all queen-sized), had the doctor’s office lose our insurance billing information. You know. All sorts of fun stuff. And I’m sure I’ve blocked some of the incidents from my memory.

Well, hey, at least we’re getting a smoking tax refund. So I thought. Well, I guess we still are, but not until we jump through a few more hoops. You see, do you remember THIS incident? You know, where Sam was pulled over the day he came down here for his interviews? Well, when he got the ticket, they gave him a court date. However, we would no longer be residents of the Great State of Utah when his court date was supposed to occur, so he went down to wherever you pay traffic tickets, explained the situation, and paid the fee. Fine, whatever, it was taken care of.

So on Friday, I log onto our online banking and find a mystery $288 in our account. That was not the correct amount of either of our tax refunds and it didn’t say who it was from, so, in an attempt to be honest in all my dealings, I tried to track down where the money came from. Turns out it WAS our tax refund, minus some fees for Sam’s ticket. Which had been paid. So they apologized and got a fax number to where they could send a refund request form (which, by the way, has not successfully arrived yet).

Today, I check the mail. There was a letter from the State of Utah. I open it. This is what I found:

The records of the court indicate there is now an outstanding warrant for the arrest of SAMUEL [INSERT OUR LAST NAME HERE] referred to as ‘Defendant’. A corresponding amount of bail was set at the time the arrest warrant was issued.

Pursuant to Section 59-10-529 et. seq. Utah Code Annotated, $175.00 has been deducted from your state income tax refund and has been sent to the court to be considered as bail to guarantee the defendant’s appearance in court. An administrative fee of $15 has also been deducted from your state income tax refund. Any refund balance is included with this letter.

The defendant must therefore appear in court within 40 days from the date of this Notice. At the time of that appearance, the defendant will be given the opportunity to understand and exercise the constitutional and statutory rights including the right to be heard. If the defendant fails to appear wthin that 40 day period, the amount of bail sent to the court will be forfeited and a new warrant for the defendant’s arrrest may be issued.

So yeah, basically, I’m married to a wanted man. Idiots. All of them. I have to laugh about it all beause I’d be on Xanax otherwise!

>Okay, Candy, You Asked for It…

7 Feb

>Candy says she doesn’t remember the elf story, so now you ALL get to enjoy it! 🙂

When the first Lord of the Rings movie came out, I was working at Kneaders. I worked there with a bunch of really great girls and we were all really close. Candy is really the only one I keep in touch with and she’s the SWEETEST person you’ll ever meet. Which makes this story even better.

So anyway, we had all been gone for a few days over Christmas and most of us had seen Lord of the Rings during that time. Candy was the only one who hadn’t. This was in the days before anyone had even HEARD of Orlando Bloom, so we were all just stunned by his hotness, but we didn’t really know who he was. Anyway, we were all working and talking about the hot elf and Candy, being completely serious, asked, “Is he a REAL elf?” Totally shocked, I asked, “Did Candy just ask if he was a real elf?” and she shouted, “Shut up, butthead, I didn’t know!”

So that’s the infamous elf story. Now all of you need to go check out Candy’s awesome Etsy store as payment for me publicly embarassing her. 🙂